O! How I love the words thou, ye, and thine.
Our simplified pronouns are quite a decline.
For what doth it profit a man quite abused
To be circumspect in the words he might use?
When the spitball doth fly, I do not lack the words
To contend for myself and my classmates, the nerds.
“You stink! Just leave!” lacks the grand quality
That comes with “Thou stinkest! Begone hence from me!”
“Your face hurts my eyes!” is creative, but fails.
It lacks the sharp sting that otherwise prevails:
“Thy presence doth potently puncture my face
Like eyes vexed with pain, flayed and peppered with mace!”
“You jerk!” has no sting. It is fast brushed aside,
Forgotten with ease and taken in stride.
But “Thou! Great oppressor! I loathe thee mightily!
Thy hands work great evil which cometh from thee!”
Now that is a phrase made to shock and to linger
Inside the small mind with that ear-flicking finger.
The athletic crowd may be sexy and tall
And followed by fawning young girls in the hall
But the life unexamined is not one worth living!
Despite all those looks that the ladies are giving.
While the simple may mutter their four-lettered phrases
My comebacks are classics I’ve pulled from the ages:
“Ye knaves void of knowledge! Ye smell like vile swine!
Your odor is fecund! Your words asinine!”
“Thy face like a horse, thine ears like a hare,
They match thy bunny-dressed hussy, the mare!”
“Thine eyes of a newt and toes of frog,
Thy hair of a bat and tongue of a dog!
I see the attraction of this mademoiselle
She saw in you nearly two-thirds of her spell!”
That last one was good. I knew it had power
When it came to my mind yesterday in the shower.
These well-crafted words that I crisply create
Are what, I believe, make a man truly great.
The life that’s examined like mine makes one wise.
And often my life flashes before my eyes.
Just this past week, great wisdom I found.
When my life flashed before me, once shoved to the ground.
But this genius stays hidden, and I’ll tell you why:
My quips are quite good, but I’d rather not die.
But know this, you dullards, who menace and mock:
Thou wouldst hear quite a comeback if I were a jock!